Thrown for a Loop

Back in early November, I had settled into what I thought was a pretty decent routine.  Reading, walking, hiking, meditating, and exploring my hobby of photography.  That routine came crashing down when the house I was living in became contaminated and I had to make a hasty retreat.*

My patterns are still in a state of disruption.

Writing has become a bit secondary to solving the housing problem.  But I did finish a series, at the invitation and encouragement of my blogging friend George,** about marriage and divorce.  And that too left my head spinning a bit.  I was, after all, revisiting some very painful memories.  Basically, these memories, as well as the present situation, all involved a theme in common – the loss of home.

And I mean “home” in the more intangible sense of that word.

Not just a place to stay, but a feeling.  A feeling of sanctuary.  Of warmth.  Of love.

Loss of “home” is not the same as moving out of a place we’ve “occupied.”  It’s abandoning a sense of security, of integration, of sentiment.  A home is where there is a heart connection.  It becomes part of you.  An extension.

Usually, this extension of ourselves is tied up with another individual or a family.  It’s a communal nature.  What makes a “house” a “home” is not the decor.  Not the pictures hanging on the wall, or the color scheme of the bathroom fixtures.  It’s an amalgamation of the feelings of warmth and protection and mutual love.

Quite an introduction there, I guess.

Intro to what?  You know how I like to switch gears. 🙂

Well yesterday I woke up contemplating all that went into the construction of my last home, how I was separated from it, and the realization that it may be beyond my reach to ever create another.  I was not in the most pleasant of states of mind.

I had been thrown for a loop.***

And at the same time that my brain was churning in this direction, I woke up to all of those nice and positive sayings and quotes on the internet.

From the Dalai Lama:

“Friendship depends on trust and trust depends on having a strong sense of concern for the welfare of others.  Be honest, truthful and warm-hearted.  Make compassion the basis of your determination.  Think of what the future can be, not what happened in the past.”

“Time’s always moving on.  Nothing can stop it.  The question is whether we use our time well or not.  We can’t do anything about the past, but what happens in the future depends on what we do now.  We can create a happier future by remembering that in being human we are all the same.”

From Sri Chinmov:

“If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.”

And from Willaru Huayta, Quechau Nation, Peru:

“This is the time of awakening to the inner father and the inner mother.  Without this we will receive no high initiation; instead we get initiated into darkness.  That’s because any investigation or revolution without God leads, not to freedom, but to more slavery.”

It was like a war was raging in my head.  Back on that roller coaster of emotion.   An interesting thing happened, though, that provided some differing perspective.

I was caught up over how the loss of love resulted in the loss of home.  How I felt betrayed.  But a woman I had just met on one of the dating sites (I know, sounds weird.  And I certainly have many a tale to tell about the dating sites.) provided some insight in a different way.  She sent me a series of questions.

You might call it a job interview.

I don’t know if I’ll be given a shot at the position of boyfriend based upon my answers or not, but the questions certainly pulled me out of the funk I was in and sent me down a different pathway.

Back on that sunlit trail, surrounded by Silver Oak, Cottonwood, Willow, and Sycamore in the low lands.  Then replaced by Pines, Firs, and Junipers as I climb higher into the mountains.  Evidence of bear and mountain lion abound.  The apex predators whose land I’ve invaded.  A Coatimundi emerges along a rock over-hang.  A rare sighting of this high desert inhabitant . . .

Day dreaming on past adventures.  A completely different type of home than I was dwelling on before.  This one surrounded by “All My Relations.”

Anyway, here are some of the questions she asked that shook me out of yesterday’s gloom.  And they made me think about just what constituted a home, and where true unconditional love factors in.

If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?

Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?

Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?

Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time?

Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom?

How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?

Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?

Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship?  Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?

Have you ever dated someone through the internet before?

Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship?  Were you able to name your fear?

Now it might seem weird, but contemplating those questions made me think deeper about the past and what the future may hold.  It made me ponder just how strong those bonds from the past were.  What they were based on.  What might have led to their failures.

What were my fears?

And it gave me hope that another home may still be out there.  Even if I’m by myself. Because dependence or fear, or attachment to petty things, are not good attributes for forging an equal partnership.  For constructing a house, or for turning that house into a home.

So, think about it.  If you were trying to gauge if you could have a successful partnership with a new person, what questions would you ask?  Did you ask those same questions of your current or past partner?  What would happen if you asked that current partner of yours these questions now?  Would you like the answers?

Funny how our minds work.  How we can be spun in all sorts of different directions.  All at the same time.  And even stop and stand outside ourselves.  Peer inward.

Introspection and perspective.  That’s how we achieve growth.

And maybe, just maybe, we can find that winding path that leads back to our pure spirit.  Our true essence.  That unpolluted soul.  That innocence we were born with . . .

In Metta

LOGOz

Feature Photo: From a hike in the desert southwest.  Yes the desert is not always exactly what one thinks it is; what preconceived notions we’ve formed, or what we’ve heard from others.  Neither is a home.

Below is the White-Nosed Coatimundi.  Hard to get a pic of these guys.  I was lucky to snap this one.  I wouldn’t mind sharing his home. 🙂

White Nosed Coati - 2+SPFx2

* See my post Advanced Camping and Chemical Chaos.

** “Thrown for a loop.”  I love phrases like this and like to track down their derivation.  What I found on this one is that it may have emerged in the early 1900s.  First there’s a reference to being drunk or “looped” or “loopy.”  And then in relation to boxing, where a knock-out punch was called “throwing a loop,” or “throw for a loop.” or “knock for a loop.”  And finally there are references to acrobatic pilots “looping the loop” with their planes, and to being on a roller coaster, where the coaster arcs upward in a complete circle leaving the passengers upside down – both of which would cause one’s head to spin. 🙂  Nowadays, it simply refers to being amazed, shocked or confused.

*** George’s Blog is called “Random Walk Through Intelligent Universe.”  He is building a great novel there.  You should check it out.

 

41 thoughts on “Thrown for a Loop”

    1. LOL! Well she did ask a lot of pertinent stuff. I wondered what problems she might have had in past relationships or maybe even scary experiences with internet dating. It was interesting. A women at a former workplace of mine apparently required her prospective husband to give her a copy of his bank statements, his credit rating, and a criminal background check – Yikes !

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  1. Thought provoking post. I’m glad you were able to process through your funk. I have had many places to live and have been able to make them home. It is a conscious decision on my part just as love is a decision. Whether it becomes a home is in our perspective.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Definitely perspective. I also get a strong feeling as to if I’m at “home,” which is kind of ironic. There are two places I’ve traveled to in the past couple of years where I feel much more at home. One of those places has too high of a cost of living. The other may be facing water shortages soon. I guess I’ll just have to keep visiting until I settle down somewhere else 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Home is a funny old word.
    I am happily married, and my wife and I own our own flat, but I have a mad urge to be homeless.
    Mentally I am discounting the discomfort and loneliness and coldness of the reality of having no where to go, in favour of the freedom of severing ties, and not worrying about mundane things.
    Nonetheless, I think, without going on the road, this attitude gives me a helpful displacement from the minutiae.
    It is also connected to the bondage of a couple who are each restricted in their freedom by the economic, and emotional necessity to live together.
    Stephen.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I attended a writers workshop with an inspiring author and he asked us to bring along something personal (not alive!). I took some sea glass from the beach here and when he asked, I talked about our homes being in our hearts. He stood silently listening and his eyes filled with tears. ❤ You touched a heart spark as I read your thoughtful post, H. I too was sent spiralling back to the past a few days ago when a friend asked why I had made a certain decision. Interestingly enough, I talked about the loss and emotional pain around it all. I had a tough word with myself later on, when I was alone. If my mind dips back into the past now, I focus on the good that was there and the achievements I created. Even if that was having the courage to walk away and start again. You’ve created magic in your life, my friend and you will do again. I feel your courage. ❤

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    1. Thanks so much Jane! Homes are in our hearts and you nailed it at your workshop. I think it’s good that you let out some of that emotional pain. Balance – we need the balance of focusing on the good but we also have to acknowledge our pain. You have great courage ❤

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  4. And have you had home restored to you? Home is very important to me. My family moved frequently when I was a child. I’d no sooner recover from being the new kid in class and have befriended the neighborhood trees when I’d come home to boxes in the living room.

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    1. That type of moving around is definitely hard. And I hope you’re settled now. Unfortunately the house I was in is contaminated with mold and we are still trying to rehab it. Mold produces endotoxins. Since all of my possessions remain in there it is unclear if anything is salvageable. I’m staying with my daughter temporarily. Her house is 1 year old – old enough to have off-gassed the VOCs but young enough that there is no mold. I’ve bought a travel trailer (120sq ft living space), but being new, it will require at least a year to off-gas before I can move into it. The primary VOC being formaldehyde. It only takes about a 2 minute exposure to these substances and chemicals to produce a neurotoxic reaction. Living in this heavily polluted country is getting harder. The chemicals being used to treat clothing also cause me problems and I’m constantly searching for safe clothing

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      1. I’m with you. I’ve developed sensitivity to everything, it seems like. I used to love my feather pillows, but became allergic. I’ve tried several kinds, but the polyester fill of some causes me problems. I had a soy latex bed and nearly couldn’t breathe. It really is a challenge. If more people payed attention to how these chemicals were affecting them, it would be easier to get them off the market. Now it just seems like we’re the kooks and can be easily dismissed.

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      2. Sorry you’re fighting this too. The numbers of people developing these problems are growing. At some point it will have to be delt with. Our bodies are losing the ability to detox themselves and there are just too many chemicals out there. And you’re right, at the moment we are portrayed as being looks, but we know better. I’ll let you know if I find anything that helps

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    2. Oh, and VOCs refer to volatile organic compounds. These would include things like pesticides, herbicides, paints, glues, fire retardants, etc. Polyester, for example, emits formaldehyde as a byproduct so sitting on furniture made with it or wearing polyester clothing is out for me.

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  5. Loss can transform us in many ways. Sense of the physical home is sometimes hard to distinguish between the physical and yourself. Thank you for the article.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insights. Loss can certainly be transformative. I know many who have their identity tied up in a job. And they haven’t done well in retirement. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been detaching more and more. Less attached to the physical for sure, but one does need some type of base. A place to hang one’s hat while exploring the worlds – inside and out 🙂

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    1. It sure seemed that way, but sadly red flags emerged. Whomever they were, they made up their location, distances changed, comprehension changed once the script ran out. I’ve run into it all too often on the dating sites. I quit them all now. It would be nice to meet a genuine person, in person, but I guess I’ll trust in the Universe if that is supposed to happen

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  6. It is mind blowing when things change, and the comfortable world we live in no longer exists….(it was an illusion all along)…it just took getting our butt kicked harder to realize that ? Homes, like people, can be lovely looking and comfortable to be with….but that is also an illusion…because those very same homes and people can become toxic…

    It blows my mind you bought a travel trailer to live in because of the mold issue in your house, and now you can’t even live in the TT because of toxic off gassing !!!!!!!!!! Good thing you can live with your daughter !!

    When i think about the problems i have.. i always think of others that have it much worse….
    Thank you for mentioning how toxic polyester is….i didn’t realize that !!
    I’m enjoying your blog….and you can thank Supernatural Hippy for that, because that’s where i found you !!! _/\_

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s been a crazy time. I’ve been able to go back into the house wearing a respirator designed to filter out mold, but now I’m reacting to the rubber components of the respirator – made my face feel like it was on fire. You’re right about our comfortable world – no control and all illusion. Happy to have you visiting and I’m enjoying your blog too. 😊 I’ll have to thank Supernatural Hippy for the introduction 😃

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      1. Wow..crazy is right ! I saw your postings on her blog…that’s how i found you… 🙂 About 20 years ago i had a reaction from looking at an old scrapbook that was kept in the basement….it smelled musty at the time…about 1/2 hour later after looking at the scrapbook i started having a weird shortness of breath and drove myself to the hospital….long story short, I’ve had breathing issues ever since…and need to use inhalers….maybe the “rubber” inside the respirator is LATEX (i am also highly allergic to that !!) Maybe you can find a NON-LATEX respirator ?? Take care !!!

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