Requests Anyone?

Blogging is an interesting pastime.

For many of us, it’s a way to hone our skills as writers and explore a whole range of topics.  It can even be a testing ground for materials we wish to write about, like a future book, or for just good old-fashioned storytelling.

For some, it’s even a way to make a living.

Well, yesterday, one of my blogging friends asked me to address a particular topic.  Marriage.  And to do so from the perspective of a father giving advice to a son that is of marriage age or is considering marriage.  He wants to hear the “truth.”

And I can certainly do this, but I fear it may be a bit controversial.

After all, I’ve had two failed marriages, and one might think I have a tainted view of marriage.  But I still think I can approach this very analytically, especially since I’m way past the emotional turmoil that followed those break-ups.  I can even include details of my failures, or not.

There are many things to consider.

First there are the traditional views surrounding the battle of the sexes – gender roles.

Then there are the issues regarding defining “love” and particularly “romantic love.” Versus sex.  And just what we have been taught to expect from a partnership from our parents, other role models, and society?  And which of those teachings, if not all, are mythical.

I can easily ask, especially in the age of internet dating, if romantic love is even involved when forming a partnership or marriage anymore?  And I think that is becoming less and less so.  These unions are becoming more and more like business arrangements, and the driving forces are, as a friend of mine once humorously described, the search “for a nurse or a purse.”  And, while those terms are feminine in description, the two qualities encompassed in those terms can apply to either sex and be sought after by either sex.

And then, there is the law.

What does the law say about the joining of two people in holy matrimony?  Particularly, when there is a dissolution of that joining and especially considering that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce in this country.  And if a person marries again, the odds for a second failure are even higher.

And it’s not just the law, it is the justice system itself that is full of preconceived biases. Some more than a century old.  Those biases can determine the outcome in any dissolution.

Do people in their twenties, or even their 30s, have any understanding at all about what it means when entering into a long-term legal relationship?  The responsibilities of parenthood?

Finally, divorce, or a major health problem, are the two major causes of bankruptcy in America.  So, stringing all of these elements together, one can easily visualize where a false concept of romantic love leads one into bankruptcy.

So, what do you think?  Should I take this topic on?

And there would have to be disclaimers.  None of us can have a full understanding of what other folks are doing, or what’s in their minds, or why events may have unfolded the way they did.

I remember one, particularly mean-spirited, remark a woman made to me on a dating site when we exchanged notes on our past relationships.  She said that simply by virtue of having gone through two divorces, and without knowing any of the facts surrounding those events, or much about me for that matter, that is was clear that I didn’t know how to satisfy a woman.  Ouch!

Emotions can run high when personal relationships are involved, and everyone probably has a good horror story to tell.   You know there is a lot of bias, and probably some painful memories, afflicting those whose have had failed relationships.  These prejudices can certainly color how they would view any discussion on these topics, so as I say, this could get a bit controversial.

I also figure that I might as well throw this out here today – does anyone have any other requests?  Topics they might like to hear about.  From the perspective of ME – LOL!  I remember saying at one of my former workplaces, that the day they considered me the voice of reason, which did ultimately happen, we must be in big trouble.  😊

LOGOz

Photo: I liked this Seagull and its buddies.  They were requesting food.  Patiently I might add.  They hovered above me and waited for me to throw them some bread.  It was a request I could easily meet, although controversial because other beach goers were not happy that the gulls were hanging around.  🙂

32 thoughts on “Requests Anyone?”

  1. This is a well thought out INTRODUCTION to the topic of marriage…but you haven’t yet scratched the surface. That said, it is a well more thought out intro than I could have written…I would have dove into the pain and angst immediately. For example, my advice to a young man on the edge of the marriage abyss would be to discuss three topics upfront before tying the hangman’s noose…uh, the knot…those topics would be children, (how many, if at all and when), Money: yours, mine and ours or all yours? And strangely enough: Religion. Once children are in the picture, there’s somehow an instinct to raise them as you were raised, and sometimes that means church. So, if the parents have different religions, which one do we raise the kids in? So, earth, please dig a little deeper…share your pain…I’ll share mine…maybe somewhere a young man will listen. And the legal system is completely biased in favor of the female…like you said…centuries-old…

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’ve got me hooked waiting for your thoughts. I would have flown into a rage about the injustice of it all and how I was tricked and “I wish I knew, I wish someone had told me”, but I prefer your calm, well thought out approach. What’s funny is I’ve been interviewing older men on their view of marriage (does anyone ask an old man what he thinks?) and there seems to be universal agreement on the subject. There’s material here for a book Earth, and you have just the right approach to write it. Oh! Don’t be afraid of offending anyone…it’s a book for young men that can change the world. I’ll help you think of a hashtag for it tho…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks George! People should be asking older men – right off, I’d tell older men to never date a women that is still of child bearing age – very dangerous. There is a lot more to be said to younger men as well, and I made mistakes, especially in my first divorce divorce settlement. Mistakes come from some of those myths we’ve been taught. I later drafted settlements for people – that’s where you get the details – somethings we can all learn from.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks ! We’ll see how this develops. I honestly don’t know if romantic love exists anymore, or maybe just for the very young. I personally still look for that. I know I can feel it when it’s real, but the fear I have in searching now is that the other person will have other motives.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. An interesting, and as you point out, controversal topic. Good for you to be willing to wade into it! Clash of egos, to my mind, is the biggest problem in relationships. Insisting on ‘my way or the highway,’ instead of the give and take necessary to coexist. Communication, face to face, honestly, in this cell phone age? Our social skills are degrading, IMO.
    Unless children are wanted, I don’t advise marriage. What’s the point? Marriage doesn’t guarantee committment, but a legal hold on assets. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happily married for 35 years and count myself lucky that the match was a good one. Marrying in my late 20s was a wise choice, it took me that long to make all the mistakes in my earlier relationships! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good luck with this one . . . a very complex topic. A wise person once told me that the word “love” in terms of the marriage vows would be better translated as “compassion.” If more people vowed to have compassion for the person with whom they vowed to spend their life, there would be more satisfying marriages. “Love” is too often used as a weapon. Compassion simply can never be used that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Since I have been married for 57 years I feel as if I ought to say something. I’ve often thought that we go into marriage with a set of expectations. If those are skewed then it will never work. Long term marriage brings a special bond that is hard to explain. It is worth the work we put into the years and the hurdles we have overcome. Our dog rescue group tries to place dogs who are attached to each other as a “bonded pair.” That is exactly what we are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is a great observation ! And I think there is great confusion surrounding the definitions of “love,” “marriage,” “sex,” “commitment,” and “long-term relationships.” I like your term “bonded pair.” That implies much more than a single concept.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I still believe in love. When I was married sex and other stuff like cleaning, cooking seemed to fall on me and was expected. The old way of marriage is CO-DEPENDENT, I prefer INTER-DEPENDENCE where both partners/etc sharing the responsibilities of running a home, etc. Plus, let’s be honest, people need personal space and time to do what they want without their partner. A lot of folks just do not get this. Unless two people are extremely compatible, time apart to recharge is needed. When I discovered my last partner did not truly love/care for me since he was a sex addict, I left and gave him a blow-up doll. Porn is also not a great for relationships. I understand men have more of a physical need for sex and also cannot expect their partner to tolerate certain behaviors since it will harm the relationship unless the women is also an addict. Then their are the IN-LAWS, who also helped to ruin my relationship and I am sure many others. Long story short, my exes father hit on me and my ex did not deal with it at all. Men and women ought to stop playing the charm and harm game, then turn into some freakshow moron after marriage or deciding to live together. You take a risk every time you live with anyone. I am sure many peeps have their fair share of stories. Thanks again and enjoy the day 🏞 PS: I also believe men/women can just be friends too 🙃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to hear of what happened in your relationship. I agree in an equal partnership, but also found myself carrying the lion’s share in terms of taking care of the house, inside and out, and with maintaining a career. Men and women should stop playing games, and I also believe that men and women can just be friends, although it is difficult to convince others of that. I’ll be sharing more of my personal experiences in upcoming posts. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Agreed. Love ought to just be. I know I overshared a bit. That’s just how I felt. You seem like a kind, loving man. If your exes had issues with you, that is on them. Just saying and have a great day/evening. I like that you share real situations and the reality of how things are on this Earth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks ! You didn’t overshare. Happy you’re sharing your insights ! And thanks for the compliment. I felt like I tried real hard in all my relationships. Stayed in the marriages longer than I should have trying to make them work. Sadly. I let myself be taken advantage of. But so happy I have a wonderful daughter 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I can relate and I did a lot to keep my relationships healthy. Unfortunately, we cannot make unhealthy people in denial healthy or to even see basic truths. Carry on my friend. Wished you lived closer. It it challenging to find truly KIND people in this world. Blessings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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