It seems like the subject of divorce has hit that state of synchronicity.  I am seeing all sorts of articles popping up on the subject, and I had just written one myself.  Well, a writing friend of mine recently had an article published about not wanting to have her divorce characterized in some “Stupid, Jerkface Language.”

And I couldn’t agree more.

There are many reasons that relationships fade.  Not all are negative or involve evil motivations or actions.  And when a relationship ends, it doesn’t have to end badly, or it could simply transform into a different type of positive coupling.

My friend said she believes in “soul contracts.”  And I agree once again.  I believe we are brought together for definite purposes for soul growth and evolution, and once the contract is complete, we may embark on different paths.  Totally divergent, or parallel, but never quite on the same trail.

But while I believe in soul contracts, there remain many questions.  My first marriage lasted 5 years and the second was a 26-year relationship.  Lessons were learned, but one might question the length of time it took to learn them.  Or what the lessons were supposed to be?  And there were many sacrifices of time that can’t be regained.


In my state, legally, they call a divorce a “dissolution.”  A “dissolving” of the marriage.  Ironic, in the true sense of the definition of that word.  Definitely a change in form, but a dissolved substance is still present in the complete solution 🙂

Maybe it should be a vaporization?

Some gaseous ether now mingling in the vast atmosphere but not part of the same compound.  A singularity, not a duality.

And from the legal perspective, the contract is one for personal property and the custody of children, which may still carry that air of being property even in this age.  The law will never view this as the ending of a mingling of souls for the purpose of discovering and evolving our higher selves.

Could you imagine the legal system trying to divide up soul possession?

I prefer to look at this as being a “flame-out.”  This language carries with multiple meanings.  The most obvious is that flame or spark of love has now died out.  Another is that burning passion was so totally consumed in the fire that no fuel remains.  Hearts and flames seem to come and go together.

My friend further opined about how we refer to our ex-partners.

Some people have very derogatory terms, like “bat-shit crazy.”  I generally refer to my exes by their names, or, I suppose, I could call them by number but that seems much too impersonal.  Perhaps their first initial and a number, G1 and B2??  Humm, that sounds too much like a Bingo game 🙂

But when there are children involved, as with my first marriage, the soul contract can’t really be said to be fulfilled for you will always have that person in your life in some form relating to your children.  My daughter is in her 30s now and G1 and I still maintain contact and share social events involving her.  She’s going to be getting married soon and I can guarantee you we’ll both be there for that.

I’ll also agree that I can’t call these relationships “failures.”  Their endings become transitions.  And they can certainly be transitions for the better.  And maybe the real lessons can be learned if both parties work towards a peaceful and happy resolution.

Divorce, dissolution, breakdown, flameout or whatever we want to call it, the transition will be whatever we make of it.  It certainly doesn’t have to become a cliché, which unfortunately, some choose to live.

Best wishes for anyone making this transition as you discover yourself in this new part of your journey.


Photo: One of the many fires in my woodstove.  Sometimes a fire will burn its most intensely right at the end.  Consuming the remainder of its fuel and oxygen in one dramatic burst, only to fade into non-existence in a blink of the eye.

23 thoughts on “Flame-out”

  1. As always, H, a very deep, personal and profound insight into what it is to be.. a human, being. Flame-outs are always difficult, don’t always have to be sad, but often bring about change in ourselves. It’s how we understand its evolution that makes the difference, for positive, or not. Lovely writing. 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks ! It’s interesting. I’ve tried to preserve the best of those times, and that holds true for other relationships that have dissolved. Sometimes the other party doesn’t want you to get past it 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s funny….my theme next week is going to be about moments in my life that have affected me the most. And I’m considering doing one about my first marriage, but not really from the perspective of the divorce, but why I got married and consequently why the divorce wasn’t a big issue. Lots of thoughts about this. But people react so differently towards divorce. Lots of reactions

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post. It (divorce, flame out, break-up) does present with opportunities for growth. with each chapter we learn a bit more about ourselves. It’s nice when it’s a mutual agreement but sucks when it’s not. Ultimately there is need to be at peace with the situation for our own well being. All the best.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Divorce can be such a painful ordeal – I have not experienced it myself but we came close. We had a one year separation that was very difficult, but after marriage counselling we were able to resolve our differences. I have many family members and friends who have divorced. It is somewhat like a death in the family, I think, at least for some. A friend of ours refers to his ex as his former wife. He dislikes the term ex-wife. Like many of life’s experiences it is a very individual thing and the existence of children make it ever more difficult – especially if both parents are using the kids as weapons to hurt the other, causing untold harm to the children in the process. I really loved your humanity and insights here.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow, thank you for sharing my story with your own, friend. I am honored and humbled. You and I seem quite aligned. And I giggled at the Bingo reference. 😅😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you ! I loved your story, and yes, we’ve had many parallels. It’s reassuring to me to know there are other souls overcoming these same trials. I made myself laugh with the Bingo note too 🙂


  5. Wonderfully expressed. Perhaps we stop using jerkface language when we are ready to unblock the rage and grief, and actually process what that person once meant to us, which includes good with the bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nice post.I believe love simple exhaust itself in some cases….people grow differently ,may be they had met too early..who knows but it can really make the dufference is our way to react to whatever happen to us and our feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very well said. It is sad when this happens, but hopefully we will have fulfilled our soul contracts as we move on. I sacrificed a lot to be sure my exes were well provided for, and I’ve started over completely several times in this life. A chance to re-invent myself I suppose. Hopefully a better person for it 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I refer to my ex husband as my first husband – despite not having a second! I also recently had the opportunity to have a discussion with him – 20 years down the track, whilst he was still hurting from his second divorce – about how I never regarded our marriage as a mistake, how I loved being married to him, and how I didn’t regard our separation as a failure, as well as telling him he was still incredibly significant to me. I am friends with all my previous significant others with one exception :-/
    Sometimes healing is all we can do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True. I’m on good terms with my first wife and we share our daughter as the unbreakable bond. Iffy terms with my second. I was injured pretty badly in that relationship. With time, that wound will heal

      Liked by 1 person

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