A couple of days ago my coffee pot died. It happens. Machines reach the end of their productive years just like us living, breathing beings. Usually sooner though. Entropy. That eternal state of decay.
Of course, when a machine bites the dust one of the things we think of is, “Did I get my money’s worth?” How many years did I get out of that coffee maker? Well, that sparked some memories. Not all that pleasant. And they began with the why.
Why did I get that coffee maker?
It was one of those small items. A five-cup brewer. I had bought it to set up what I guess you could call a mini-kitchenette in the basement of our home. A series of events led up to this purchase, and that of a second toaster and second microwave. You see, I was cooking breakfast in our basement during the work week. Why? Good question. A series of events . . .
My wife and I had been together for 21 years when she had an accident. She fell down our basement stairs. Fourteen steps, carpeted, but nonetheless she suffered a closed head injury that evolved into post-concussive syndrome. This injury, apparently coupled with others from car accidents prior to our meeting could have bloomed into chronic traumatic encephalopathy. But whatever label you put on it, the results were devastating.
She had memory problems, dizziness, episodes of extreme vertigo, and problems with her balance. The fall effectively disabled her. She could no longer manage a hospital critical care unit and she went from mastering a complex technical environment to sitting in chair and watching TV.
All day, every day.
Before the fall she had a drinking problem. After the fall, and with her increasing depression, it progressed to full-blown alcoholism.
A pint or more of vodka a day, straight, blended with a brain that was already dizzy and a body that was already unstable led to many falls. And many falls led to many broken bones. Many terrified trips to the emergency room.
Yes, the mechanics of these falls kind of eluded me. And I only actually witnessed one. Most all of them happened when I was at work and I’d come home and find her lying in a pool of blood or twisted into shapes that weren’t so natural for the human form. Another trip to the hospital.
It was incredibly sad. Hard to watch someone you love self-destruct.
And every day I lived in fear of what I was going to find when I came home.
One of her many falls resulted in several broken ribs. Those injuries are extremely painful and she found the only way she could sleep was upright in a reclining chair in our living room. After large doses of alcohol and narcotics.
The living room was next to our kitchen and dining area. So, if I made breakfast in the morning, in our kitchen, it would wake her, and she did need rest. And waking her was dangerous anyway. No telling just who I’d be facing. Thus, the kitchenette in the basement.
I would sleep in our basement bedroom. Get up and make my breakfast there before emerging from this underworld. Then climb up that evil flight of stairs each day, suit up, and head off for work.
Entropy.
Naturally, this situation continued to decay. My wife refused all attempts at getting her professional help. She fell further and further into the dark recesses of alcoholism.
Hallucinations, delusions, sleep walking, sleep screaming, sleep pounding on the doors, floors, and walls. Conversations with people who weren’t there. And falling, more falling. Finally losing all control over her bodily functions. I took full care of her during this, sort of, return to infancy.
Five years ticked by.
I had no support system. Nothing to console me in those many dark hours. And no way to console her. It wasn’t sustainable. We split up.
So here it was, Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, and that dam coffee pot died. The toaster had died before it, and I had given that microwave away. The physical symbols of those dreadful times now all cleared from this different habitat.
This home, this room, this life, all lighter now.
Perhaps it’s a good thing to bind a bad memory to an object, and then discard that useless object. It was a useless memory after all . . .
***
Photo: A view from the property I used to call home. I cleared the woods myself where we built the dam to create that lake. Enjoyed an occasional cup of coffee on that bench. Of course, I played with the image and electrified those fall colors. The reflections in the water are amazing. So many facets to the world, to life. But memories fade . . .
Disclaimer/Apology: Sorry friends, not all stories have happy endings, but there’s always learning and always growth. Sometimes it’s good to let a little of the darkness out, but I’ll try not to do that too often 🙂
Moving, sad, thoughtful.. and best of all, real. Definitely not apology-worthy. 🙏
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Thank you, my friend ❤🙏
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Oh I’m so sorry for your wife. At least she didn’t know it was Valentine 😞
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Horrible situation. I have worked with closed heat injury and it can be so devastating as often the person you knew is gone. So sorry you had to go through this and sorry for her also.
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Indeed, it was sad for both us. Fortunately, she has now gotten some help and is doing well.
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Siempre me pregunto por qué la vida tiene que ser tan difícil. Por qué tenemos que vivir situaciones tan extremas. Ánimo y siempre adelante.Un abrazo
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Thank you so much! Yes, I don’t why things have to be so hard. Hugs back to you 🙂
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So moving and beautifully written.
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Thank you so much Dr. Perry. Most of the time I feel like I’ve moved past these things, but those feelings get triggered unexpectedly.
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Thank you for sharing❤️
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❤
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Thank you for sharing. It’s the little things that bring a memory that may bring a tear to our eyes when no one is watching. Wishing you both better days.
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Thanks so much ! We’re no longer together, but she is doing much better now.
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Even when things don’t work our, it’s good to wish someone well as they go their own way.
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That’s very true. Had we not split, I’m afraid she would not have gotten help, and her docs had given her a year to live at that point. I’m glad she’s doing well now.
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So appreciate you sharing such a personal and heartfelt reflection, something of a catharsis and a narrative towards healing. Living real.
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Thank you Paul! I’m never quite sure about putting these type of personal reflections out there, but your support along with others here in our blogging community, makes me feel very inspired and very appreciative. No more isolation and despair, just gratitude
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Yes, gratitude, wonderful. And I believe that sharing is so helpful to others as well as self. Community, as you say.
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You were there for her. Though things moved in another direction, she had someone next to her who cared, to hold her hand. That’s more than a lot of people get. You can only do your best. It must have been extremely difficult. I had a friend who had a head injury from falling off a ladder. He had lasting cognitive issues, also leading to the eventual separation and divorce of his spouse. He died young. These injuries can become complex situations. People’s thinking changes. My best to you.
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Thank you so much ! ❤❤❤ So sorry about your friend. Life is an amazing thing, and it’s fragile
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This is heartbreaking! But I’m glad things are better now, for both of you. Even though memories can hurt as well. Good, I think, to let them out and let go, together with the physical items. I admire the strength you have and had. 🙏
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Thank you ! ❤
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Sad but real. Alcohol took my brother away too. When my coffee pot died I switched to a French press and grinding my own beans. I love the morning ritual of coffee making now. Hope you find that perfect coffe production system that improves the quality of you mornings.
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Thanks ! Sorry to hear of what happened with your brother. Alcohol has ruined many lives.
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But like you said there are lessons that help us grow.
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Yes indeed 🙂
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What a sad tragic story… 💙
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❤❤❤
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You are healing yourself with these reflections. I feel privileged to bear witness even a little.
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Thank you so much ❤
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Embrace the moments as they come. They have brought you to today. 😊 I think so often those moments appear and we keep going on and don’t take time to acknowledge them. Perhaps this one can now be placed upon the shelf and looked upon as a “Wow..that really happened. I survived it and am a changed person because of it.” Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
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Moving and sad.it must have been very hard on you.Never apologize for how hard life can be at times.💗
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Thanks so much !
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Wow this is heartbreaking, but I like the lesson. I hope your life is much better now. Thanks for sharing your story.
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Thanks ! Things are definitely more peaceful now.
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I am so sorry you had to live through such suffering, this is so beautifully written and so raw. You never have to apologize for writing your truths. I am glad you have found peace, and I hope one day your wife finds it too. God bless.
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Thanks Carol!
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You are most welcome
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Never be afraid of letting some darkness out. The only way we can bring light back into our souls is to let that darkness out.
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Great wisdom
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Thanks 🙂
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Sent a message on FB
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Thanks!
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Radical Transparency – thank you for sharing.
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It’s therapeutic for me to write about it. I wonder sometimes if I’m getting too personal on the blog so I appreciate your thanks ❤
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It’s a fine line isn’t it? There’s some things I am hesitant to share so publically myself, despite having a commitment to that same kind of radical transparency.
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Yes it is. I tried the email address you sent, but it bounced back to me. I have to run for an appt now, but we’ll figure a way for me to share that story
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It bounced?? Yikes! I’m on my phone and overly tired (it’s now past 3am), so probably a typo on my behalf – we can try again next time we are both online. X
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Sounds good. Rest well
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Email is on the way 🙂
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I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Reading your words touched me deeply. I really appreciate that you did share with us. I wish only the best for you and your wife. ❤
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Thank you ❤
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So sorry for what you experienced. A little healing your way – and for your ex-wife, too.
Beautiful flipped image.
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Thanks so much ❤
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❤ I'm sorry you went through this awful time, but also glad to read in the comments that she's doing better. So much more work needs to be done in the field of concussions and TBI.
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❤ thanks
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And you’re right, more needs to be done
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Not all stories end happily…
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